"If at first, you don't succeed - lower your standards of success"
- Gerry Maguire Thompson

 

 

 

The author's revenge: a humorous diatribe against publishers who reject

Irish Car Recovery: an educational slide show (Microsoft powerpoint format)

The River

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."
And, poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

How to stay married

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never
to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would
not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
Totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to
never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had been angry with him only two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Fifteen sure-fire ways to be miserable:

 

Worry incessantly about things you can do nothing about.

Go over stuff in your mind again and again, making yourself more and more upset.

Be too busy to be happy

Take everything personally

When something goes wrong, believe that everything in your whole life is worthless

Convince yourself that there’s nothing you can do so there’s no point in even trying

Be a pessimist, but tell people that you’re only being realistic

Convert others to your negative point of view

Remind yourself that you’re a failure, and always will be

Constantly compare yourself unfavourably with others

Be suspicious; never trust anyone

See the worst in others

Never be satisfied with what you or anyone else achieves

Don’t let anyone get close to you

Never take responsibility - it’s always somebody else’s fault